My Story

I was reading a great article today in the Harvard Business Review and came across a great quote that made me think. The author, John Barth said, "The story of your life is not your life. It is your story." So I stopped and thought for a while. Is the story of my life, my story, or should it really be God's story in me? As a follower of Jesus, I think my story should really be a story of God and how God's story is worked out in my life.

As I reflect on my life and my story, I can see how God has been intergal in it and how God has shown up and is showing up, when I let Him. My life is really the story of God's grace in my life and how God has worked in my life, changing me and allowing me to become more like Him. My story is not without pain, lonliness, difficulty and uncertainity in the midst of life, and yet in each part of the journey that I am walking in day by day, God is there. God is there to hear my cries and my pain, God is there to comfort, God is there to rejoice and celebrate with us and God is there in those moments of loneliness and pain, when I wonder where everyone else is, that I think should be there for me.

The journey of this life, as a Christ follower, is to know Christ and the power of His resurrection (Phil 3:10). To know Christ, is to know the pain and lonliness that He felt at times, to know that you are misunderstood, to know that your life is not really about you at all, but for a higher purpose, a Kingdom purpose. Please understand me, I am not saying that I am close to being like Jesus - far from it. I fail daily in many areas of my life, failures that allow me to see the grace and love of God all over again and again. But to know Christ, means we must also know pain, lonliness and difficulty - why? So we know how to forgive, to forgive allows us to experience a deeper walk with God and I believe help us truly understand a little bit of what does with us everyday when we fail Him. I am so thankful for God's presence in my life, and for the privilege it is to know Him deeper. I do not like the pain that comes with that sometimes, but at the end of the day, I know my story is not about me, it is about God, and my prayer is that today, God would be honoured and glorified in my thoughts, actions, words and prayers. And I pray that others will see God in me and the longing that I have to know God in a deeper way.

Just for today, I will thank God for the journey that I am experiencing and have experienced, for that journey, is allowing God to write His story into my story. To God Be the Glory. Amen.

Roots

Colossians 2:7 says, "Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives grow down into him." We all come from somewhere - we all have family roots - and with those roots come good things and bad things. I can see good and bad things that I get from both my mom's side and my dad's side of the family.
Roots - roots produce trees, and trees produce fruit, maybe that is why Paul is using the image of roots. I can look at my human family and see the roots from where I came, but as I look at my life in God, God desires that I am rooted in Him. So what do my actions, my thoughts, and my words reflect who I am rooted in? God? The world? My pride? My sin? I know that they often reflect my sin, my pride, my ideas, but in the midst of that - God is there with His unconditional love and His never ending grace for me.
My desire is to be rooted in God - but for that to happen, for me to produce fruit that reflects God is working in my life, I need to embrace His Word and His Spirit and allow them to bring change in my life, so deep and so powerful, that my life is becoming rooted in God and it changes my thoughts, my words and my actions.
As I look at the North American church, which I am a part of, I see a lot of head knowledge, and that can be helpful and needed as we attempt to grow in our faith. But God also desires our hearts and for that to happen, I (we) need to be rooted to God in such a way that our roots go down deep into God and His Word, and that we produce fruit that reflects the character of God.
For me to have that type of character and that type of fruit - I have to spend time with God - just to listen, to hear His voice - that is hard for me to do these days, I do not feel that I get the solitude with God that I would like, but I also have the chance to read His Word and to allow to sink into my heart - to change me, that I may reflect more and more of God in my life. For me, God is my Saviour but He is also my friend, a friend who listens at all times, a friend who loves me unconditionally, a friend who gives grace, when I am not graceful - and for that I will be forever grateful, because I do not receive what I deserve. My prayer is that as I live in this grace and love, I may be rooted more and more in Him, and that my life will look more like Him moment by moment, day by day, year by year. And that as I do that, it would impact others, especially Colleen and the boys, not because of what I say, but because of how I live. May I live in today and enjoy the day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow.
Amen.

Taking Life One Day at a Time

So, I know, it has been a few months, and there have been many times, I thought, hey you need to write more on your blog, to update people on what God has done and is doing in your life. And I agreed, but none the less, I did not find time to write, so here I am on a grey Tuesday afternoon, looking at my to do list and there it is - "BLOG"! So it is time.
The last five months, in many ways have been a blur - things seem to be moving so fast that I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is almost here. The speed of time does not take away from the fact that God has been so gracious to us as a family each step of the way.
In late June, I started as Executive Director of Serenity Ranch, which is a drug and alcohol recovery centre. Part of my call to ministry has always been centred around Luke 4, where Jesus picked up the scroll and read Isaiah 61, where Jesus said that part of the reason He came was to set captives free. I know the freedom that Jesus gives me and I know that I have been released from many things because of Jesus. So working here, is not too far out for me, but it has meant that I have had to learn a lot about addiction, and how addicts think and act. That is and will continue to be challenging for me.
This has been a safe place for me to be and to be the person that God has called me to be - I have my leadership MOJO back and it feels great. I have had to fire and lay off people, hire others, write new policy, lead the staff in a revisioning process as well as meet high up people in government, armed forces and business. It has been fun.
But, I can honestly say that God has been so good to us - in early August, I went to a table meeting where the 12 steps of AA and NA are gone through in one day - for our group it took 15 hours. As I wrote down my character defects, my resentments, my failures, my anger and some people that I absolultely do not care if I ever see again, God set me free - free from myself and made me new - the old was gone again. The table meeting allowed me to forgive, to move on, to become free, joyful and at peace. I felt like the nation of Israel in Ezra 3 where they stand up and half cry and half shout - but they are praising God for the rebuilding of the temple - that is how I felt - I was crying, I was shouting because that junk was gone - I was no longer carrying it - I was free once again.
Now, that being said, I still have moments, but it is in the past - the future is bright and I am excited about what God is doing in my life right now, what God is doing in our family and what God has for us in the future. My boss likes to say taht if you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you are peeing on today - so today is what I am enjoying and where I am living - tomorrow will take care of itself.
There is so much to say and write - and that will come - God's mercies are new every morning - I know because I have seen them - I am living them - thank you God for who you are and what you do and that your love is never ending and never failing! Amen and amen.

Dancing in the Dark

So another song, this time by the Boss and how I remember those night shifts at Hostess with the guys and Q-107 blasting and many nights this song would come on and we would stop everything and start dancing. Must have been a sight to watch guys in blue dancing away.
But I am using this song tonight to reflect really what is in my heart.
To dance is my mind is usually something that one does joyfully, with heart and energy, something one can do romatically with their spouse. Right now, I feel like my life is a dance, a dance that is slow, mournful, and painful. A dance that is lonely, in the dark, a dance that is simply putting one foot in front of the other hoping not to trip or fall down into a dark expanse, not knowing where I am or if the walls are closing in around me - a dance to music that is shrill sometimes and at other times non-existent - a dance that is painful, that hurts every inch of my body, a dance that makes me cry.
The dance, though hard and though painful does have good things in it. Colleen and the boys are there with me and we dance together holding one another, supporting one another, crying for one another.
We dance, knowing that God is there with us in the darkness, but not sure where He is - dancing thinking of what the dance must have been like that Jesus danced - lonely, painful, broken.
We must continue this dance, this dance will not end, and maybe one day soon rays of sunshine will lighten our mood, make our dance more joyful and allow us to leave the mournful and distraught state that we sometimes find ourselves in.
Yes, there are rays of sunshine that come through in the dance - often they are short, pithy moments that lighten the load of this dance in the dark - they are gifts from God called Paul, Carol, Elisabeth, Tim, Dave, Nancy, and others who shine their light into our darkness with their love, laughter and presence. God does provide in the darkness, jobs, new friends and even closed doors in this dark room of the dance.
The dance reminds me, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes, Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!"
Though others fail us, as we dance, God will not. Many are dropping away, many are attacking, many have created and are attempting to create more pain for us, but as we dance in the dark and yearn for light, God is there - and He says to us, "Keep dancing!" So our family will, those who try and break us, those who try and hurt our reputation, those will be the ones who will one day also stand with God in the dark, and I hope He tells them, "Keep dancing."

The Long and Winding Road ...

It seems that a lot of my titles have to do with song titles as well - today's seems so appropriate. I feel like our lives are on this long and winding road and I am not sure what is next or what may come around the next corner.

For the most part, I believe that we have handled ourselves with dignity and grace through this latest change in life. It has been hard and it is painful when you people you thought were your friends turn on you or ignore you when they see you - it is tough, hard to understand, gets you to thinking where the hell is God in all of this? I know he is there, he is here right now with me, but it is hard sometimes to feel him, to see where he may be leading - we carry on, we continue and maybe most importantly, we know he loves us.

The winding road is lonely, full of potholes, curves, unable to see what is around the next corner and for me, that is hard. I would like an email from God telling me what is next, at least I could have peace, knowing if I might be changing what i do for a living, or if we are going to move and to where. My life is full of questions, I am 43, I feel right now that life should be full of more certainity than questions.

There is no doubt that I am in the middle of some dark days - I have to admit that I do feel like a failure to my family in many ways - as a child my dad never changed jobs, we never moved, and I was hoping that I could provide the same certainity for my family. So the evil one, and those who gossiped about me, and put me into this position, maybe smiling and happy, but I know that ultimately God will win and this winding and long road will become clearer as to what is next - but in the meantime, I have to wrestle with the pain, my feelings and uncertainity and ask God to use that to transform into someone better, someone more like Him, someone who will be used in greater ways - so God, I guess what I am saying is that this long and winding road, though hard and painful, may it lead me closer to Your Heart, and may I be better and not bitter and may I be able to live Psalm 3:3 - "But you, O lord, are a shield around me, you are my glory, the One who holds my head high." May it be so. Amen.

Life is a Highway!

I was listening to the radio yesterday and this song came on and it made me smile. It made me think of how I had used this song as an illustration in a youth message that I had given as part of a big youth outreach that we had done in Hamilton in the early 90's. Life is a highway, it is a journey and the destination is God and we can choose to find God daily or we can choose to find our own way on the highway of life.

I want to reflect a bit on finding God on the journey through life. Life can be hard, Life can be full and rewarding. Life can be lonely. Life can be funny. In the midst of all that life can bring, I can choose to find God in each situation or I can choose not to.

As a Christian, I am amazed how many Christians get angry with God whenever something does not go their way. It is like, hey God you owe me one, because I am following you. Really? Interesting. When Jesus went to the cross, that is not what He wanted, it was not fun, it was not joyful, but it was what God wanted and it was needed. So my life, though very painful at times, though very lonely at times, though not very funny at times, is not my own life to live - it is a journey, an opportunity to pick up my cross to follow God daily. Maybe the pain, maybe the loneliness, maybe the days where there is no laughter - maybe it is in those days, that I am becoming more of what God wants me to be. And maybe, circumstances are allowed to happen, not because there is a lesson or a point in them, but because as humans we just fail, fail to get it right, fail to understand the joy and the goodness that God has for us if we are willing to embrace that.

In pain, in brokenness, in loneliness there can be found great joy, great hope and great peace. Colleen and I are now able to pursue relationships on a deeper level with people because we do not have to worry about being accused of being in someones back pocket. We were over at some friends house a couple of weeks ago. They live on a farm, and have four great kids and I was privileged enough to dedicate two of them. As we ate together, visited, walked and drank tea together, I felt so at peace, I felt so loved and I felt released to love. In that moment, I realized that this is what true Biblical relationships are all about. To love without wanting anything else in return - just to love. It is freeing and I wonder how many relationships in North America are centered more around having relationships that will only further my career or agenda and we have missed the whole point. The Kingdom is close when we break bread together and love with no conditions. That is a gift that our family has been given right now.

So is pain on the journey worth it? I can only answer for myself - but I believe that it is - I believe that pain happens on the just and the unjust and it is inevitable as we walk through life, but it is what we do with that pain, what we do with those lessons, that allow us to grow, to be changed or transformed to become more like Jesus day by day. Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

"neither I nor they comdemn you"

In John 8, I have been focusing on some words of Jesus that have come to mean much to me through this next chapter of our lives. The woman who is caught in sin and many of the religious leaders want to stone her, Jesus bends over in the sand and begins to write - eventually they all leave and the woman is left alone with Jesus - his comments to her, is that she is no longer comdemned, by God or by anyone else - she is to go and sin no more. In the last few weeks, I have felt comdemned, but it is not by God. That is something that I am learning in these days, is that God loves me, and he does not comdemn me. Maybe this is the biggest lesson for the church in North America to learn. We have all of our rules, we have all of our doctrines and we often use them to comdemn others, but God is not comdemning, He is loving. It is hard to stay focused on what God believes about me and not focus on what others have said or are saying. Jesus says "go and sin no more". I am trying to not respond in ways that would reflect bitterness, anger and pain. Everyday, I pray for forgiveness from God and everyday I ask God to help me forgive others - the task is immense and it is beyond me - the only way it can truly happen is if it is of God and not of me. May it be so Lord Jesus

I came across this great quote this week and it speaks from my heart - so here it is:
"It matters little or in what century we are called to live out our Christian life. The witness of those who have gone before informs my own experience, telling me that we are often taken to places where we receive unwarranted accolades and to other places where we receive unwarranted suffering and pain. A disciple, one who chooses to be student and follower of Jesus, is not a "self-made" person and is not on a personally designed journey. We choose to follow Jesus and then Jesus chooses where we will go." Reuben Job

Powerful, challenging and hard to live by - may it be so in my life Lord Jesus.